FOR THOSE PUTTING UP A BRAVE FRONT

Most of the time, these musings are just plain old me. Sometimes I put on my Christian hat and muse spiritually. But today I'm putting on my End of Life Doula hat. So get ready. I want to tell you a story - a true story.

Heidi's last Christmas

As my sister Heidi progressed through her battle with cancer, she  put up a brave front. She could not always hide the physical pain she was in, but she did not let you see the emotional pain. She would put a smile on her face and if able, offer you a cup of tea. But one day the facade came down. A couple of months before she died Heidi started showing signs of rapid decline. She called me at work. She was distraught and crying. She was scared. Scared of what was coming, what she could not stop and scared of dying. I wish I could say I was there for her but I was not. I could not deal with it and I shut her down. "You are going to be fine! You are NOT going to die!" At a time when she really needed my support I left her no space to share her anxiety and emotional pain. The last time I saw her alive, the day before she died she looked me in the eyes and gave me a sweet frail smile. Brave to the end.

Consider a young child that is terminally ill. The emotional turmoil and even confusion is huge. But what do we often say? How brave you are being! What a trooper! Parents often feel that somehow this is their fault. They feel guilty, angry and helpless. Children will pick up on this and in an effort to not upset their parents further and be as "brave" as they are told they are being allows them no space to ask questions like - am I dying? What will it feel like? I'm scared. These little ones, putting up a brave front, need someone to listen.

And what about the man or woman bravely hiding their pain and being "strong" for the family? 

When someone is battling a life threatening disease, they need support; physical, emotional and spiritual. If this is too great a burden for you to bear, find someone who can meet the needs you can't. Believe me, I get it. My pain and fears in watching my sister die were too great for me to be there for her. In my defence, I was barely 23 years old. 

Now, well into my 50s and studying the role an End-of-Life Doula provides, I feel better prepared to help my loved ones who are struggling. I hope I can be there for them, even the ones putting up a brave front.

With my sisters and friends. Just a bunch of teenagers